I’m twenty seven
and fading away;
Fast, into oblivion.

With each day,
my years lose
the promise they held
all those years ago.

Each day takes away
from me the chance
of an early fame.

Each new day brings
meaning to my life;
And robs the meaning
from all years past.

I am at crossroads
with my own self; and
can’t decide where my
heart wants to go
and what it fears.

I am twenty seven
but I feel sixty;

Under the weight of
all the expectations carried
over from childhood dreams.

The dead dreams that
hurt my back so…
The errors in judgement
that sting my feet still,
like needles,
I never could withdraw.

From my pierced flesh
blood flows, and soothes
the dry tired soles
of young tempered feet.

Tomorrow shall be better;
But that’s what today
was supposed to be..

And yet I wait
for tomorrow once more;
Hoping and seeking redemption,
for careless teenage dreams.

I look into the mirror.

The greys have begun to glaze.
Dark circles and tired eyes.
Expressions concealed behind,
a fashionably unkempt beard.

Tarred maroon lips once
almost rosy akin feminine.

I almost miss the innocent boy,
I miss the innocence more.
I miss the promise of tomorrow..

But in tomorrow I stand,
as it has turned into today.

I miss a life,
I’ve never had.

I miss a life,
I had dreamt of someday.

ยฉ Jay Kaushal

If you liked this poem you will also like my poem Broken Dreams

40 thoughts on “I want to be remembered

  1. Jay! How have you been?
    I can probably write a book on my feelings about the same process, to which your poem has done full justice. It couldn’t have been said in a better way. The pain of time just say slipping away with ageing and your desperate cry for it to stay still for at least a year or two! An aching nostalgic for days gone by that seem honestly like yesterday. And then profound remorse evoked by unfulfilled childhood dreams, trying to find a footing in a world that unfolded very differently than the one imagined from once a child.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. …Trying to find a footing in a world that unfolded very differently from what was imagined in childhood…yes that seems to be the root of my disappointment. I never imagined it would turn out this way. In many aspects for the better and in many aspects.. Painfully for the worst.. I just wish I knew the reality of existence all along.. The pain the sorrow the..truth..

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I get it. This in particular:
    “Blood flows, and soothes
    The dry tired soles
    Of young tempered feet.”
    It makes you think we’re not really here to fulfill our childhood dreams, as the world’s been telling us all along. It makes you even think that there’s something greater than the world to which to ascend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my god. This is just exactly what I felt while writing. That’s the thing its so confusing you don’t understand what to make sense of. The pain? The journey? The struggle? And there are schools of thought aligned to each one of those ideas. All saying one is the higher motive. For me though all that matters is how hard it is to physically manifest a reality you imagine… No matter how quaint or frugal as long as it’s peaceful..That’s not even asking much. Thank you so much for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Middle youth crises….
    If it can be of any consolation it happens regularly at every age crossroad…
    If I were you I would be telling myself โ€œhey you! Look youโ€™re only twenty seven whereas thereโ€™re lots of sixty years old out there that accomplished nothing and have not much time left for it…โ€
    ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha. I bet a lot of them older ones don’t think about it as much as I do though. Sorry, no matter how serious the poem you comment on, I just can’t maintain my sordid philosophical tone talking with you. Only happy thoughts come to mind. Lol Either that or the bipolarity kicks in.

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      1. Trust me… โ€œfeeling like a sixty years oldโ€ is a common thought since the age of twelve until 59…. then it starts the other way around… but… itโ€™s too late… ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh boy.. Now that was philosophical. I think its true what I wrote previously in my poem about seeing ourselves. This happens because we can’t see ourselves for what we are. Having said that I do feel a lot of what I wrote here but I also feel maybe the future is meant to be every bit what you hadn’t anticipated. Otherwise our lives would be so boring!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol come back when you’re 27 and we’ll talk about it. Everybody thinks like that when they are 23. When I was 23 I could run 100m in 11 sec, lift 100kg on the bench and go days on end sleeping not more than 6 hrs. A day. Also, I could drink like a whale and still keep standing.. Lol get what I mean? ๐Ÿ˜‰

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      1. No noooooooooo………so drink like a dish means that…..I saw that in one of your posts…..I ….bet…..I am not going to say that…..aging is in the mind….there are so many examples out there….Kajol, Akshay Kumar, so many others…..they look younger than the ones who have just started their careers….you know why…it’s because they don’t feel that they are ageing …..it’s just a number….you… have a few sessions with me….lol I’ll make you how to feel younger…hahhah

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hmm. If you read it once more youll see that actually it isn’t physical ageing that really bothers any one much. It’s the time that has gone by and how it has completely changed your life. It’s the delay in getting the things you’ve wanted, deserved or waited for since you were a kid. Also, please don’t take it too seriously. This is just art. Lol. This poem is after all just a state of mind… I think I’ll upload a shiny happy poem on Wednesday.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Also… you are 27 …..so young…..even if it was 97….you still had 3 more years dude…how can you waste those three years just on thinking when the time will pass….and when will you die or rather thinking about ageing … present time is yours….And yeah I am a good girl …..I don’t drink ( that often lol) …so can’t comment on that….but when I am 23 ….there is nothing I that I am doing which can make me cool except that I have a cool thought process ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ…. lovely write up though

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hahaha hey!! Don’t take it too seriously. It’s. Just. A. Poem. I think my painful words are getting far too convincing with each day. Great! That was the intention…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  4. Wow this was… Great… Wow… I loved it!
    Fearing age is something I also identify with… Trying to grasp the fact that the years have past but not quite being able to… Feeling like your still a child inside…
    ‘Tomorrow shall be better
    But thatโ€™s what today
    Was supposed to be..’
    This is gold… This is going to haunt me… Definitely going in my favorite poems list… Great work!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I think this poem marks a culmination of my previous self and the beginning of adulthood in the true sense. What we need to realise sooner or later to really grow up.. Is that you’ve gotta keep moving forward even if it means building new dreams, building new expectations.. Building a new philosophy from here on to take you through the next two three decades.. Above all.. Treasuring the present a lot more because the future shall remain uncertain always… ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I am twenty seven But I feel sixty;โ€”my exact same thoughts! And I also wish I was once that innocent girl who knows nothing but to dream big without overthinking! lol. This piece shows a side of you I haven’t heard before. This came from the depths of your heart, isn’t it? Emotions linger in each word i can tremendously feel it within. Great work!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your appreciation Apple! Yes, I was going through some old photographs and diaries and I just realised how the path that I’ve taken and the life that I am living is vastly different from the reality I had imagined back then, in my carefree innocent childhood. Words just poured out after that. ๐Ÿ˜€

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  6. Gosh, how I wish I could write poems with as much depth as you do. Honest, this was from a deep soul but full of insight that will give you wisdom for where you are now. When I was young I wanted to be older, now that I am old, I wish I was younger with the knowledge I have as an older wiser women. Not so much to undo some mistakes because I needed them to teach me what to do right. Still working on that one too. My husband and I have been married 54 years in a few day. We were 17 when we got married thinking we were so mature…how blind youth is and I thank God for some of that blindness. If I had known what was ahead I probably would have not went ahead and missed so much. I want to say to you to be 27 again would be wonderful but I won’t because it wasn’t too good for me. I liked 45, I think I begin to get real wisdom by then and knew how to use it. Physically I would trade my 72 for your 27 any day if it were possible. I won’t even tell you to enjoy 27 because everyone has bad years even the young. At 27 you are a full grown man, able to lead your life as you wish, I hope you have put the Lord as the leader of your life. I lived for myself till I was 35 then gave up Betty for Jesus and my perspective changed on everything. Thanks you again for sharing your poem…it was a walk through life at any age.

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